I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
