Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Two words: nipple clamps
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