I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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