mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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