I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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