White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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