Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
