Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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