my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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