Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
My liver just had a heart attack.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
