weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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