I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Randomize
