The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
it glows. i had to have it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
