no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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