just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
