i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
