I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
