eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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