I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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