Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
