Duck Duck Cougar?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
