Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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