don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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