Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
