dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
