I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
This toilet bowl is my home.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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