please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
