Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
