I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
