What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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