If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
