Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
