I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
