You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
