do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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