I wish they made helmets for livers.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
