i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
