She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
