he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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