I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
