So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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