p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
