He told me they were just razor bumps!
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
