I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
