Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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