this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
