my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
