I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
being pregnant is like rehab
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
