FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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