so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I party with great urgency now.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
